Days
by QueenOfQuiet17
Summary: When the opportunity arises, take advantage. Grace/Karen, inspired by the song "Days" by Marry Me Jane each line of the song serves as a title for a chapter. Now Complete.
1. When You're Up, Don't Look Down

**Karen**

I never realized how high up I was.

He never let me know how far I had risen. He slowly led me into his life, revealing bits and pieces when he felt it was right. And it works. I was completely under his spell that I never realized how I let my life slip away and be replaced by the one he had become so accustomed to. It's surprising how easy it was to hand everything over to him, to let him be in control of every little thing. It's almost as if I can't live unless he shows me the right way. This is how it's been for years, this is what I know.

I can't even recognize myself anymore.

When I think of him, I think of the money. I think of all the finer things that he's drowned me in, that he refuses to save me from. How he's made it so that if I just think of something, there's a way for me to get it instantly. How he's made my life so easy, it's hard to think that I have lived any other way. I hate him for it. I hate that I can never think of being in his arms late at night, when the world is asleep. The way he smiles at me as he's about to kiss me. The way he so delicately holds my hand. The way everything becomes so much easier, becomes so much better, if he is just next to me, if I just know that he is there for me, to help me.

And then it hits me; I can never think of him in this light, because I've never seen him in this light. He's been so concerned in immersing me in his culture that he's forgotten the simple things I have been longing for all of my life. He may have done those things once, a long time ago, but they were so few and far between that I can never remember them. Maybe he did these things when we first met, when things were so new, he wasn't sure what I wanted, and I wasn't sure who he was. But everything back then is such a blur to me now, I can never remember the way his eyes shined when we first met. I always told myself I would remember that look from the person I loved for the rest of my life. This is how I know that Stanley Walker and I were never meant to be, no matter how much he tried to persuade me that we were.

I remember the way her eyes shined when I walked through that door. I remember the way her hair danced on her shoulders as she walked towards me, the way her skin felt against mine as she shook my hand. The way her name felt so sweet in my ear as she introduced herself to me. Stan told me I should get out of the house and do something; somehow I ended up in this office, applying for a job I never even realized I wanted until I walked through that door.

If it means I get to be closer to her, I would sell my soul. That is, if I hadn't already done that.

I know I don't qualify for the job, I can't do anything right, but she gave it to me anyway, perhaps because she felt sorry for me. But at that point, I would have taken it, if only to be in her presence.

It's bad knowing you no longer love the one you pledged your life to, that you've found someone new and want to give your heart to them. What's worse is knowing that the one you pledged your life to unknowingly led you to this new love. I shouldn't be leading Stan on, I shouldn't let him keep on thinking that I am happy with him, but he believes I would do anything for him and, more importantly, this lifestyle. The thing is, I've been leading him on all this time about that. If Grace happens to slip into the picture, what's one more thing to hide?

He asks after her, all the time. He wants to know how she's doing, how I'm getting along with her, what I like about her, what I don't like. He wants every little detail. But if he got every little detail, he would hate her, even though she did nothing to him, and I can't have that. He would hate her for being the one who stole me away.

At least that's what I tell myself.

I love the way her eyes glimmer in the morning light shining in through the window. It makes me smile every time I see her. She thinks I'm just smiling to be polite, to be cordial, to ensure a healthy work environment. I just wish I could let her know the real reason.

I picture the day when I let her know, while I'm sitting at my desk, watching her sketch out a design or listen to her fingers brush against the keys of her keyboard while she's using the computer. But in every daydream, she feels the same way as I do. I'll catch her looking at me just a second too long, and then I'll know it's okay to let everything out. She'll smile at me in the silence, daring me to break it. She'll walk over to my desk and everything else will fade away as I take her in my arms and she brushes her lips against mine.

I never figured out what would happen if she doesn't feel the same way.

I hope she sees through this high-society costume I'm trying to wear. Although, I don't know what I am hiding behind it. I've been living like this for so long. I'm almost like a little girl, playing dress up and convincing everyone I am the person I pretend to be. But a little girl can switch to someone else whenever she chooses. I have been playing dress up as this character for so long, I have forgotten how to be anyone else but this woman sitting at a desk, filing her nails and tapping into the liquor early in the morning, instead of doing what a typical assistant does.

But I bet she could teach me to be someone else. She could teach me to be someone I actually like.

I watch her now, absorbed in her work. Even involved in her sketches, you can tell how passionate she is about her job, how she was born to do this. Every now and then she'll make a sudden move, like she is going to walk towards me, or even look at me, and I have to pretend like I'm absorbed in my "work," the latest issue of _Vogue_. She makes me want to find the woman inside me that I lost so many years ago. I know I could be the woman I was, if she were the one to guide me instead of Stan. That is, if you can call what Stan did guidance.

I shouldn't be mad at him. He did what he thought was best, this isn't his fault. I was the one who walked into her office. I am the one who is straying from him.

It's just that fact. I never realized how high up I was.

Until Grace came along and showed me.

And ever since, I've been waiting for her to help me down.


	2. When You're Lost, Don't Go Wandering

**Grace**

_I can feel your gaze from across the room. You're at the surface; I feel like you want to break in. I want you to break in. But no, this can't be. You're Karen. You're so far away, no matter how close you are to me physically. You're from another world. Everyone perceives you to be better than I am, whatever that may mean. Your heart belongs to Stan. I've known that since the day you first walked through that door, when you told me your name. You gave your heart to him._

_How am I so envious of him?_

_I wish you would stop looking at me. Maybe that way, I can actually focus on my work, I can focus on my life, instead of just feigning an interest in anything I do. But I know that if you look away, just for a second, if you look down at her desk or leave the room, I will want to know what made you turn away. I will want to know why you've chosen this particular moment to deem me unworthy of your gaze, what I've done to slide myself lower on your list of priorities. I just can't help it; you've invaded my mind. Now, as you turn your focus back to whatever fashion magazine you have resting on your desk, the pages lingering in between your fingertips. What did I do wrong?_

_You confuse me so much, do you know that? I can look at you, and I swear, it seems like you're feeling the same things, you know the person I could be if I ever get the chance to kiss you, you know the person you could be if I keep you in my arms, if I do my best to protect you from everything trying to harm you. But who am I kidding? Those thoughts have never even crossed your mind, at least that's what I can see. When you criticize, I know where you truly are. You will never feel the same things. I will never get the chance to kiss you. I could never keep you in my arms. And I know that I could never protect you. I could tell myself over and over that I am perfectly capable, but when it comes right down to it, I don't even know how to protect myself._

_But that never stops me from dreaming._

_I've looked everywhere, taken every opportunity. And every single time, I thought that I wouldn't have to search anymore. I wouldn't have to look for the one who can make me feel better with just a look, who can just say my name and take me away from everything. One who can kiss me and make everything fade as we become the only two people in existence._

_Never did I think to look right in front of me._

_But I can't be right, you can't be that person. The one that I'd find would have to feel the same way. And you obviously don't feel the same way, no matter how much I wish to make it so. But I can't shake the feeling that you're it. I can't shake the feeling that you're the one._

_I'm so lost._

_I just wish you would give me something, something definitive. Not what we usually exchange. I do not want you to be sweet and caring and everything I've been looking for one moment, and the next minute you are cold and judgmental. I just want that one moment that lets me know everything. That one moment where I can tell if you and I are meant to be, if we are meant to spend our days and nights together, fingers woven together, or if you will never share the feeling for me that I have for you._

_Just let me know, please let me know. If you can not love me, I will not make a scene. I will tell you I understand, even though it will take me many nights to do so. You will continue to live your life, and I will have no say about it. We will go back to the way things were, even if we are more distant than we were before. I won't make it impossible for you to face me, and although it may be awkward in the days to come, I can pretend like nothing ever happened, if that's what you want me to do. I've gotten pretty good at pretending, you know._

_I've got everything planned out, even if you surprise me and let me know that you truly do love me. I will do my best to make you have no regrets. I will tell you I love you every day. I will kiss you through the night and although I can never give you everything that you are so used to receiving from Stan, I will do my best to make sure that you are always happy, whatever I have to do to make sure that happens. I will never make you feel alone in the world, you will always have me. Always._

_I just need to know which plan I can go ahead with._

"I need to know."

"What?"

_Oh, god. How much of that did I say out loud? Did I mumble it, or was it clear? How much of that did you actually pay attention to? From the corner of my eye, I can see you turn your head towards me, watching me, waiting for me to say something. And as I look at you, your mouth begins to form words._

"What do you need to know, honey?"

_How am I supposed to work my way through this one? Eyeing my desk, I pick up a piece of fabric. This will have to do._

"I need to know…if this is okay for the couch in the Miller living room."

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll be fine."

_How quickly you turn back to the magazine. How quickly all of this becomes so meaningless to you. You would think that I would want to leave you alone, that you've made it clear you have no interest, but I just can't do it. If I didn't have you in my life, even with the relationship we have now, I have no idea how I could live._

_Just give me something, anything, to give me some hint of where you stand._

_I'm so lost. But if I don't wander off, if I stay right here, maybe you could help me find my way._


	3. When It Rains, Go Dancing

She watched as the midnight traffic slowed to a halt at the stoplight. The rain falling down got in her eyes and turned everything in front of her into a giant blur as she made her way towards her destination. She knew that she was up there, she could see her. She couldn't make out her features, the shape of her eyes, the curve of her lips at her smile, but she knew. She had studied her figure, her presence, her being, long enough to know even in the dark, even in the shadows. It was her. It had to be. He's not there, he can't be. This vision, no matter how obscure, she can take it all for herself. Only for her, no one else.

But in an instant, she disappeared. As if she had imagined her there. Perhaps she had. She had gotten pretty good at conjuring up an image whenever she needed to.

She needed to linger in the pouring rain. At least she could feel something tonight. If nothing else, she could concentrate on the raindrops dancing on her shoulders, sliding down her back, her red locks turning dark and heavy with each drop. Grace leaned against the building and closed her eyes for a minute, trying to imagine what this night would have been like if she didn't walk away, if she wasn't just a figment of imagination.

What was she thinking? She needed to see her, the real her, not just the image she can make appear out of nowhere. The one she truly loved, it was so clear to her now. She needed to watch her as her lips began to curve in a smile, she needed to feel the name escape her own. She needed to feel those two syllables in her mouth, waiting to be set free, Karen. Grace imagined taking her in her arms, never wanting to let her go, as if she needed to cling to Karen, if she needed to feel Karen's body against her own, to live, to survive, to get anywhere in life.

She slowly opened her eyes as the light turned green and the traffic slowly began to gain the force it once had. She started to make her way to the corner of the street, waiting for the cars to stop again, so she could safely make her way back to her home.

Until she felt someone hold her back.

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The nights without Stan had been peaceful but, she had to admit, lonely. She may no longer love him, she may no longer think of him in the way she used to think of him, but to have him around as some sort of company was comforting for her. At least someone was there for her. But now that he left, away to some sort of exotic location for a reason she had by now forgotten, Karen finally realized the one thing she had hoped never to know.

She was completely alone. She had no one.

But then she saw that gorgeous figure braving late-night speeders, walking in her direction. At first, looking out her window, she thought it couldn't be real, that the sleep she had been deprived of for the last couple of nights now had been responsible for this vision, that maybe this is a dream, and if she opens her eyes, she'll be in bed, wishing she hadn't woken up. But as Karen saw her come closer and closer, and she could begin to make out the features, she knew that this was real. And she knew that she needed to touch her. She needed to feel like she had someone in this world.

She rushed down the stairs and outside her building to find Grace with her back against the wall, eyes closed, rain beating on her skin. Watching her took Karen's breath away. She was amazed at how, even with the rain making her makeup run down her face in a stream, she was absolutely perfect in every way. When she saw Grace's eyes slowly open, she knew that this was her chance, hoping that Grace would feel the same way (she did not come here just to be in the rain after all, she figured). But as Grace began to make her way back to where she started, Karen was scared of losing her so quickly. She grabbed a hold onto Grace's arm, like a little child not wanting to let go of anything they could get their hands on. She pulled back just as quickly, afraid that she had gone too far, as if she was never really supposed to touch her, as if that was a right that she was not afforded. She closed her eyes, trying to keep the tears inside as the rain ran down her face. Just turn around, go back inside, she told herself. If she moved, she was certain her legs would give immediately, but at the same time she wanted to run, make sure Grace just thought it was her imagination, that she was just feeling things and none of this was real.

But as the tears began their escape from their eyes, Grace caught them on her cheek with a kiss. For a moment, Karen wondered if she could taste the mixture of rain and tears, if she even cared. As Grace pulled away, she opened her eyes to find herself staring at a smiling face.

"Grace," she began, whispering. She loved to say her name.

"Shhh," Grace interrupted, softly pressing her index finger to Karen's lips. Karen could feel it as her fingers started to crawl the length of her spine. They began to sway, a sort of dance to the rhythm of their hearts and the rain pounding on the ground. Just to feel the weight of Grace against her body, to feel her, just to be around her.

It was perfect.

Grace took it upon herself to start humming, any random notes, any random tune, letting the music playing in her heart escape. They could not feel the rain beating down on their bodies, they could not sense the cars and cabs struggling to get across the way. They could not hear any noise the city tends to give.

They could feel each other as they kissed once more, they could sense each other, they could feel each other.

That's all they needed.

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When Grace opened her eyes after the kiss, she was no longer staring at Karen. She watched, confused, as her ceiling fan whirled around and around so fast you could not catch it, again and again. It would never get tired. She put her hand to her hair, feeling around for some evidence of the night she had just experienced. Her hair was dry. No, this couldn't be. She was just at the street corner, in Karen's arms, dancing to the music they created together. She got out of bed and stood at her mirror and realized she had on the same clothes she went to bed in, not the ones she was wearing with Karen.

It was all a dream. But with her fantasy came realization.

The one she truly loved.

She had to see Karen again.

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When Karen opened her eyes after the kiss, she was no longer staring at Grace. She was staring at the space that Stan had once occupied, while they were sleeping. She was thankful that she did not wake up to him by her side, for she would feel guilt that she felt she didn't deserve. How fair is it to feel guilty over something that is so right, that is so perfect?

She wanted to go back to sleep, she wanted to leave this world and return to the one where she can be with Grace and no one would seem to mind. But no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't find her way into that world. And as she lay on her bed, wide awake, the truth came hurtling towards her.

She was completely alone. She had no one.


	4. When You Get Blisters, Shift Your Weight

**Karen**

I need to move. Now.

It hurts to just stand here, to watch her go on with her life as if I had made no impact whatsoever on it. Maybe I haven't made an impact. Maybe I'm meant to spend my days in this spot, between Grace and Stan, never making a move towards either of them. I slowly inched away from Stan, hoping he wouldn't notice, hoping there would not be some sort of fallout. Then I met Grace. And as I started to move toward her, she acted like she wanted nothing to do with me, until I just stopped in my tracks. I have been here ever since.

That is how I got stuck.

But she makes me want to move. Just looking at her makes me want to move. She makes me want to become another person, someone she would actually like. Someone I would actually like. The minute I walked in the door, the first time she looked at me, she had me pegged. In her eyes, I would forever be the one who thinks she's better, the one who thinks that if it's not designer, if it's not top-of-the-line, it won't do. And in some sick way, I didn't want to disappoint her. In some sick way, I thought that this is what she wanted. And from the moment I saw her, I knew that whatever she wanted, I would give her. That would be how it worked from then on. I know I've probably hurt her. But I don't like to think about that. I like to think of the future.

I like to picture all the things I could do for her, instead of what I have done to her. I can see myself holding her in my arms through the night, just to make sure that she's safe when sleep comes to take us. And when we wake up in the morning, I will find her there again. I will feel her fingers weaving with mine and any bury my face in her hair as we become fully aware of our surroundings once again. I can see the small kiss, holding hands, any little gesture of our love coming so easily to us, we won't think anything of it. I can hear how she says "I love you" in any situation: whispering it just before we go to bed, after we kiss, at any random point in the day. I can feel her kiss, I swear if I close my eyes and concentrate on it long enough, I can feel it. The way she takes my face in both hands so gently. The way her lips brush against mine, slowly, softly at first, but soon growing in intensity. It's the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced.

All I could think of that could beat it is the real thing.

Maybe I'm right in never moving, if not for my sake, for Grace's. Stan hasn't noticed; I know that he never will. But maybe Grace doesn't want me to move. Even though our relationship may be more strained than others, maybe she feels safe in ours now. She wouldn't want us to become something more, because the way we are with each other has become so routine, anything else would be too foreign to love. One step out of place and we couldn't find our way back home again, and she couldn't have that. I don't want to scare her away; if I move towards her, she might run, and I don't want her to leave. I never want her to leave. But I need to know for sure if I have no chance.

I need to know if I can move.

I could be wrong, and I would love it if I were. I would love for her to prove me wrong and give me a sign that says, "Go ahead. Make your move." And I would be free to tell her everything I've wanted to tell her for so long. I would be free to live. It's all I've ever wanted. I may be selfish wanting it, but I need something to keep me going, some goal to live for to let me know I can still survive. Is that really too much to ask?

I say things I don't mean to her; almost anything I say towards Grace I don't mean. I only ever do it because this is who I truly am in her eyes. How I would love to change her perspective. How I would love to show her how fragile I am, how each time I make a cold remark or critique, I'm adding cracks to my already half-broken self. I don't think she knows how close I am to the breaking point. You'd think that if I don't move, I would be able to stay whole, intact. I never realized how wrong that was until now.

I wonder if I finally shatter, if I am finally broken after all this time, she will realize exactly how I feel. Even then, though, she may not give me an ounce of sympathy. I wouldn't deserve it, anyway. I didn't deserve the night with her dancing in the rain last week, and that was a dream.

A dream that was so real. I felt her, I could taste her. Her lips were so sweet, so gentle against my skin. I felt her arms around me, her fingers dancing against the fabric protecting my body from the rain. I felt the rain. I felt the rain as she quieted my whispers. I felt it as she smiled. I felt it as we kissed, as we danced. I was there. Part of me wonders if she had the same dream. If she could feel me and taste me the way I did her. I wonder if she felt the rain too, if she tried to find some evidence of our night together.

I haven't seen her since then, so I like to hang onto this image of her, even if it was just a dream.

But I'm still convinced that if she saw me there too, if she felt everything I did, it was real.

Grace told me I don't need to come into work for a little while. She told me to take some time off, that I deserved a vacation. I almost laughed into the phone. I deserved it? I do nothing at that desk day in and day out; every day at work is like vacation time. Except the time spent at work is far better than any vacation time spent anywhere else, for one reason. Grace is at work. I am in her presence when I am at work, therefore I am in sheer bliss. I can watch her from my seat, doing the simplest things: dragging her pencil across a sketch pad, biting her lip as she tried to decide what to do next. She does everything so perfectly and beautifully. And when she comes over to my desk to ask me a question or tell me something, I always get lost in her eyes; they show her soul even when she doesn't think they do. It is only when she yells my name to get my attention that I realize how far gone I was, and attempt to redeem myself with a quick insult on her clothing, her hair, whatever my eyes land on first.

She never told me when I could come back. I should have asked, but I was too overcome with sadness at the fact that she actually didn't want to see me. That's what killed me the most about our last conversation.

I hope she calls me, visits me, anything to let me know that she forgives me for whatever it was that I did or said this time. I can't take much more of this. I knew that the insults I threw at her and not moving added more cracks to my half-broken self. But I could have gone without knowing that going so long without seeing Grace did even worse damage to me.

I don't know how much longer I can go without moving. But I will wait until Grace comes to me. And if she never does, I will wait until I am fully broken to know where I stand.


	5. When You Start To Fall, Don't Hesitate

**Grace**

I thought I needed to see her again. I thought that I would be able to tell her about the dance in the rain and she would understand perfectly. But as I moved closer and closer towards the office, I thought of how she might react. She'd think it was ridiculous, that it was the craziest thing I have ever said. I became silent when I walked through the door. She looked startled, scared when I first saw her. She wouldn't say a word to me, and for a second I believed she that she might have had the same dream, or that it was real, and now that we weren't protected by the stars, we didn't know how to act around each other. But I knew that could never happen.

Right?

That night, when I knew she would be home, I called her to tell her that she didn't need to come in. I told her that she deserved a break and that I would be fine without her. In all honesty, I believed that if it was that awkward with Karen in the room, it would be better to have her stay home, so I could think without worrying about anything.

But that's just the thing. It gave me time to think. And I couldn't stop thinking of her. I kept wondering what she was doing, where she was going. If she was with Stan. What she was doing with Stan. Did he take her out on fabulous nights on the town, flaunting their perfectly acted love for each other? I know things with him aren't great right now. There are days when Karen feels that I'm privileged enough to know what was going on in her personal life. But even when she doesn't want to let me in, she does. I can see everything in her eyes, how much she hurts. She'll try to cover it up with a half-smile, a half-hearted laugh and a wave of the hand when I ask what's wrong. But the more she tries to hide it, the more it becomes obvious. And the more it becomes obvious, the more it hurts me.

The more it hurts me, the more I start to question myself. The more I start to question myself, the more it becomes so much clearer.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go. But when has anything in my life ever gone as planned? I look back on all the criticism I've gotten from her, every time she's pointed out one of my flaws. If I could look at her pain and say that it's deserved from everything she's given me over time, it would make things so much easier. But I would never do that. No, I could never make her out to be the bad guy. I would never want to do that. All I want to do is be her safe haven. I want to tell her that I won't be the one to hurt her, that when I love her, it's not fake, it's not a show. I just need to find a way to let her know that.

If I try to tell her, how am I supposed to know for sure that she will listen? How am I supposed to know for sure that she feels the same way? I know that I need her, I know that now. But how much does she really need me, if at all? I don't know if I could put myself out there, for fear of her laughter in my face. I love to hear her laugh, but if it is because of me, if it is because I want to be the one she tells her dreams to, I don't think I could handle it.

Maybe Karen has it right; don't let anyone in, even if they want nothing more. Pretend you don't care so it makes it look like you roll with the punches. Never let anyone see how vulnerable you can be. Do not be the one to show weakness. You don't have to love someone to tell them that you do. If you marry someone, they may feel so much love for you, but you may not be able to return any of it, and that's okay. As long as you have someone to share your life with, no matter how much of yourself you decide to show them, everything will be okay.

But I can't imagine how miserable she must be.

I guess I'll find out soon; he'll be here any minute.

Maybe the reason I can't stop thinking about her is because day in and day out, I'm with her. She'll come in late to work, sit down and be an unknowing distraction as I try to get my work done. She'll tell me how bad my hair looks or how my outfit should never see the light of day, and I'll reassess my style just to please her, even though I have failed time and time again. Even when we call an end to the workday, I always see her in the night. Once she's free to go, she and Jack cling to each other, you can't think of Jack and not think of Karen. And since Jack depends on Will for so much, through that, I have to keep my cover twenty-four seven. Maybe if I just leave, if I go somewhere unexpected with someone I hardly know, I can forget about her. It seems to work so perfectly for her; she's found some sort of companionship in Stan, no matter how strained their relationship really is, and I can't find a hint of her wanting something more with me. I bet once I get to know him and care about him on some level, it will work for me as well.

But do I really want it to work that way?

My thoughts of Karen are what keep me up at nights, are what make me feel so alone some days, but at the same time my thoughts of Karen are what ease me into such a peaceful sleep on given nights, they're what make me feel like maybe there's a reason I was put on this earth. I want to lose them, but if I do, what else will I have? If I just knew how she felt, it would make things so much easier, but nothing worth it has ever been made easy.

I have to keep telling myself that if she kisses Stan, it doesn't mean anything. When she says she loves him, she doesn't mean it. When she goes on about those exotic vacations, the little things that he does every now and then to let her know he cares, she could care less. It's just a plan to get me jealous. I have to tell myself this to keep going. I have to tell myself that when she kisses him, when she says she loves him, it is all truly meant for me. Even if it's a lie, I have to tell myself something.

Because now I've realized I have truly fallen, and as much as I don't want to admit that, I can't hide from reality. I don't want to lead him on; if I could, I would tell him and everyone else in Manhattan that I am in love with Karen Walker. I would run to the balcony and scream it so the people down below could hear me perfectly. Only in a perfect world.

The doorbell; he's here. How can I do this, pretend I can truly see some sort of a future with this man? I need to put myself in Karen's mindset: tell him what he wants to hear, make him think you are truly there, even though you are elsewhere. Never let him in. Whatever you do, do not let him in.

Until she confirms everything I believe about her, I need to do this.

I love her, I know that now.

But until she shows some sign of love for me, that means nothing.


	6. When It Comes, Pay Attention

She will look her best but still be a wreck inside as she walks down the stairs to the limo. She will tell Driver where to go and disregard any looks or comments from him. Why there, Mrs. Walker? Why now? She will ignore the fact that he called her Mrs. Walker. Stan doesn't need to know where she's going, he doesn't need to be involved. He'll stay sleeping as if she's right there, laying next to him in sleep. He won't notice the fact that she had to free herself from his arms to make it out tonight. She'll look out the window at the cars still speeding by, never seeming to stop, counting the streetlights in a desperate and failing attempt to stop shaking, until she reaches Grace's building. She'll walk inside and take an elevator ride that seems to last an eternity. And when the doors finally open, she'll wait a second before moving, making sure she truly wants to do this.

But she knows she does, she's never wanted anything more than she wants this.

She'll give a soft knock on the door, careful not to wake Will. The last thing she'd need is to face him in a moment like this. When the door opens, she'll close her eyes. She's not ready, give her a little more time. But when she hears her name in that voice, the voice she can never seem to get out of her head, she'll know she's ready. She'll tell her everything, and when she's done, there'll be silence, Grace trying to take everything in, and when she does, she'll take her in her arms and brush her lips against her skin.

At least this is what Karen dreamed of.

Stan had been going to bed earlier and earlier, but Karen never noticed until recently. Perhaps it was her lack of interest that made him stop trying. It would be so easy now for her to slip out into the night and be able to feel human. She has to wait until she knows he's in a deep enough sleep to leave without him noticing. Then, she'll be able to go to Grace.

Tonight Stan had gone to sleep without Karen, making it that much easier for her to leave. She waited until she couldn't hear anything coming from the room before walking inside. She stood in the doorway, watching him. It wasn't like he had done anything to hurt her. She couldn't think of one harmful thing he's done to her. And she did love him at first. He was so shy around her in the beginning that it almost made her laugh. He had all that power and wealth to his name while she was trying to spring back from life with a con artist, and he's the one who could barely speak to her? What did he really have to be afraid of? But in time, he gave her everything she could ever want or need, and for the longest time, she believed she had everything. Until she realized that he never really grasped the concept of money not really being everything.

And once the distance set in, she knew it was over. If only he hadn't put the ring on her finger first.

She took a step towards the bed, an odd urge to kiss him before she left coming about her, but thought better of it. She closed the door behind her, grabbed her coat and walked out the door. Tonight will be different than she dreamed, she could feel it, but only in the little things, she assumed. She made it outside to the sidewalk and hailed a cab, not like her, but tonight, she didn't want anyone she knew intruding on this moment, and that included the help. As she got inside and closed the door, she drifted off into her own little world.

An image of Grace appeared before her against the glass of the cab window, so vivid, it was as if she was sitting right next to Karen. She was smiling, that gorgeous smile that haunts Karen's dreams. No, not haunt. More like graced her dreams. Grace. She reached a hand to her, yearning to touch her, to feel more than just her presence, but the closer her hand came, the more she started to disappear. And when she put her hand to the glass of the window, Grace was gone.

But not for long, she hoped.

The cab stopped outside Grace's building. Karen felt her heart skip a beat as she opened the door and stepped outside. This was really it. She could feel the end of her lonely days, and the beginning of a new chapter in her life. She took one step towards the building's door when she saw two people come out. One was a man she had never seen before. His arm was linked with the other's, a woman's. She looked so familiar, and for a second, Karen couldn't place her. Until she realized.

Grace.

And as soon as she had built everything up, it all came crashing down.

They stared at each other, just for a quick second, as Grace's mouth formed a small "O" of surprise. Karen couldn't read her, not in that moment, but she figured it didn't take an expert to figure out what the guy on her arm meant. She watched as they turned right, off to a romantic evening that Grace should be sharing with her, instead of him. What did he know about her, anyway? What exactly was it about him that made Grace choose him over Karen? He didn't know about the way her eyes lit up every time her best friend walked into the room or her different types of laughs. The sarcastic one, the whole-hearted one, the suppressed one. He would think they sound the same.

She stood there until their backs were turned towards her. And as her eyes began to well with tears, she was thankful that no one who mattered would see her; this would not fit into the façade she had spent so long to create. One thing had to stay intact. She climbed back into the cab and went home.

She did not see the point when Grace turned to look behind her, hoping to find Karen but only looking at the taillights of the cab gaining distance. She did not see the tear running slowly down Grace's cheek at letting her go like that. She did not see the stream that followed and she did not hear Grace catching her breath, only to have her date look at her and ask what was wrong. She was not there when Grace decided to free herself from his embrace and run towards her home, racing to the elevator and rushing to unlock the door to her apartment.

She missed Grace dialing the phone and waiting as it rang, no longer caring if Stan was in the vicinity. She wasn't there as Grace got the answering machine and had only said one word, "Karen…" before hanging up. She wasn't there when Grace lay back on her bed, clutching the phone to her chest, and cried herself to sleep.

And as Karen got home, changed her clothes, and went to bed, she did not see the flashing red light trying to beckon her.


	7. Days Go By

_Days Go By, So Lay Me Down In A Hole In The Ground_

**Karen**

I got your message, that one word, my name and then the click. I love the way you say my name. I played it, over and over, just to hear your voice, just to know that you said something that was meant for me and only me. I take comfort in that, however small it may be.

Because now, it's the only thing I have left.

You cannot imagine how much it killed me to see you with him. You took a knife and plunged it into my already bloodied heart. You twisted it as you walked away with your arm intertwined with his. And when I climbed back into the cab and faded into the pitch black of the night, I sat as the life slowly drained out of me. I knew it was a long shot, I knew I was taking a huge chance that night as I left my home, as I was preparing the perfect words to say to you, as I was hoping I wouldn't stumble or say something I shouldn't. But when I thought of how this could go wrong, I never imagined it would be because there was someone else.

What is it about him, Grace? I know I have my flaws. I know I hardly say or do the right thing, I've never been a motivated employee, I've criticized so many aspects of your life that I don't even deserve your friendship. But you still give it to me. You must see something in me that you like, something that makes you think that I'm not the completely heartless person so many people make me out to be. You know better than that. You can see through me, I know you can; you know that behind the masks and costumes that I parade around in every single day, I'm just a fragile little girl, looking for her place in the world. Don't you?

Despite everything I have done to you, everything I have regretted and wished I could take back, you stand by me. You've taken a chance on me. Can you just take one more?

He doesn't know you, not the way I do, and he never will. He hasn't seen you on your worst day, trying to make it through before rushing out the door to go home. I've watched you all these years, through every moment, every emotion, every mood. And I haven't stopped loving you.

It's a risk, I know. But I have weighed the good and the bad, I have thought about how people would react if they saw us together, how it might upset the balance in the group. And every time I have thought about it, all I can see is the way your eyes light up when you smile. All I want is to be the one to make you smile. There will be obstacles, no doubt. I know that no one would be able to accept it right away. You and I are the most unlikely pair, I am aware of that. But that's what gives us the charm that I can't help but see. We could prove everyone wrong, Grace. Defy the odds. Prove that love truly does conquer all.

I can see it. What will it take for you to see it too?

It's been two days since I've seen you, since the night I saw you with someone else. Stan left for a business trip; I just couldn't go with him. I needed time to think. But I can't get you out of my mind, and although part of me wants to be rid of you so I won't have to live with this heartache, if you ever left my mind, I wouldn't know what to do. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you in so long, it's the only way I know how to survive. And even though you may not feel the same about me, I will always love you.

I want to see you, Grace.

I want you to give me a chance.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

**Grace**

I want you to call me. Talk to me. I left you a message, why haven't you called me? I've been waiting by the phone for days, waiting for it to ring, hoping to hear your voice. But when it sounds, it's never you on the other end. Please. Pick up the phone. Dial the numbers. I just want to hear you say my name.

I can't blame you, though.

I can't believe I did this to you. If I had known that you would wind up on my doorstep that night, I never would have taken his hand. And even when I saw you, part of me wanted to break free from his hold on me and run into your arms, to kiss you and tell you that you never have to worry about being alone ever again. I don't know why I didn't do it, Karen. I've been regretting it ever since.

God, I wish you knew what happened after you left. I wish you knew I never went out with him, that I stayed in and thought of you until I fell asleep, and after I fell asleep I dreamed of you. I dreamed of you so vividly, when I woke up, I half-expected to find you lying next to me. I wish you were lying next to me when I woke up. I wish I never hurt you. I've been lying awake for hours now, hating myself for what I did.

I'm so sorry.

I would do anything you want me to do. If only you would call. Talk to me. Tell me what you want and I will give it to you, no questions asked. I don't have much, but for you I would give it all away. I could always pick up the phone, try to talk to you again like I did that night. But I know you probably don't want to talk to me. And even if you did, I wouldn't want to say all of this to you over the phone. It would be better if I got to say everything to you in person. To see your beautiful face, hear your sweet voice.

This could be a huge risk, and it could end for the worst, but I'd be willing to take that chance. Seeing you outside of my building confirmed everything I was hoping was true. There would be no other reason for you to come over.

I have to make it up to you.

I need to make this right.

I'm going to make this right.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

She heard the knock on her front door, waking her from her sleep. She was dreaming about her again, and could barely take it when she faded away. Fumbling for something to steady her, she turned the light on and made her way towards the front door and stopped for a moment, trying to fully focus on her surroundings, trying to regain consciousness after being pulled out of her sleep.

Her weak hold on the doorknob was enough to pull it open.

She gasped as the person on the other side began to speak.

"God, you're even beautiful at four in the morning."

It took her a little while before she could speak. And when she did, she could only utter one word.

"Grace…"


	8. When The Walls Disappear

_When The Walls Disappear, Spend The Night, Be Sincere_

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm so sorry, Karen. If I had known you were coming, I would have…"

"What? You can't tell me that you would drop everything and run to me, Grace. I know where I stand with you, it's okay."

"No, you really don't."

"What do you want from me?"

"Where is this coming from, Kare?"

"I've spent so long trying to run from it, you don't know how long, but I can't. I just…can't."

"Tell me."

Silence. It wasn't that simple, and on some level, Grace knew it. She just needed to hear it, to confirm that everything she's felt for so long was shared. She was so close, she could feel it now; she couldn't just let everything go when Karen was right there. If it were going to happen, it would happen now. Karen lowered her head, somewhat ashamed, stayed silent, like if she didn't see Grace, talk to her, acknowledge her any more than she did, she would eventually go away. Grace moved closer towards her, taking her hand as she began to speak softly, as if to keep from scaring her off.

"Karen, you can tell me anything."

Karen broke free from her hold, stepped back, turned her back on Grace. She wasn't sure if she could face her for this; after holding back for so long, being stuck between her and Stan, it had become a safety net in some strange way. If the rest of her world was turned upside-down and nothing else seemed like it could ever be rectified, at least she knew that one thing would stay the same. And if Grace gave her a look that wasn't what she was expecting, or if the silence lasted too long, or if there was an awkward pause where neither of them knew what to do, she didn't know if she would be able to take it.

No turning back now. She has to do this. She took a breath before starting off.

"You don't know what you do to me. For so long, I've been trying to tell myself that I just love the friendship we have, that it's all we'd ever have and I should just leave it at that. But, god, Grace, you are so persistent. You won't be satisfied until you've broken me down to the most miniscule pieces you possibly can. And even when you have, you'll break me down some more. You may not see it, you may not think that you're doing it, but it's there. You are. And I know it's happening, I can feel it every time I walk into the room and see you in the middle of a sketch or in the middle of a phone call. But I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to. And I don't want it to.

"If I could change things, part of me would like to believe I would. It would be so much easier if I didn't get these butterflies every time you look at me, if I didn't become a walking cliché every time I think about you. But I know that if things changed, I would miss it. And I would be worse off than I started. This is a twisted cycle I put myself in, but you know what? I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. It kills me to see you go off with people you think you're going to have a future with only to see you miserable the next day or the next week, if it even lasts that long. I know that I would never hurt you. I know that I could give you everything you wanted and protect you from everything you didn't. I just need a chance, I…"

She stopped. Could she really continue? She was about to tell Grace something that, until now, only she knew about. She sighed. If she was going to do this, she might as well go all the way.

"I've dreamt about you. I know you don't know that; you could never tell even if everything I've just said to you comes as no shock. It was raining, I was looking out the window, and I could just see you, weaving through the traffic, doing anything to get to me."

"Oh my god," Grace whispered. She figured Karen couldn't hear her.

"So I ran outside, and you were there, waiting for me. You kissed my cheek and we were in each other's arms, and…it was perfect. Grace, all I've ever wanted was to take you in my arms, be the one you feel safe with. I love you so much. And if it can't work, it can't work. I'll go back to my corner and drown myself in gin and thoughts of what could have been. But I know that we can make this last. I love you, Grace."

Silence. Karen always knew that it would be a possibility that Grace wouldn't feel the same way; she just didn't want to believe it. She turned around to find Grace still at the doorway, tears starting to well up in her eyes.

"Grace…" she started.

Grace shook her head. She started moving towards her, picking up speed with each step until she could touch Karen, take her in her arms, pressing her lips against Karen's. For a moment, she didn't want to pull away. If they disconnected, there would always be a chance that this evening could be forgotten. Stay in the moment, and you'll be fine.

Slowly, they pulled away. Karen brushed Grace's hair away from her face. God, she was beautiful. Grace smiled and blushed. She still wasn't used to the idea of Karen in this light, but she loved it. She took Karen's hand and led her up the stairs, towards the bed, slowly, making sure that everything was okay with her before it happened. The moon shone bright through the window as they closed the door.

In the morning, Karen woke up to find a sleeping Grace in her arms, sound, peaceful. She brought her closer to her body and knew that what she was feeling was real.

And she knew she was no longer stuck.


	9. When It Comes, You Love Her Like Water

_Two Months Later_

_Karen_

He left tonight. Didn't say a word; he just packed up the things he needed and walked out the door. I think on some level he knew that I checked out of our relationship. On some level, he knew that I just wasn't there emotionally anymore; he could see me, but I was gone. A couple of weeks ago, he finally sat me down and asked me what was wrong. That's when I told him everything: I always had feelings for you. You had come over when he was gone. When we kissed, I knew that I could never go back.

Stan didn't say anything when I told him. I don't think he understood. He knew how I would talk about you before, criticizing, trying to cut you down. What he didn't realize was that I was fishing around for the criticisms; in my mind, if I try to find enough of your flaws, it will change the way I think about you. It never worked. But I knew if I suddenly changed, if I stopped and let everyone know the light I saw you in, what a beautiful person I think you are, he would be suspicious.

For a while, he went about like nothing had happened. He acted like all I said was that I was going out for a little bit, I'll be right back. But tonight it finally hit him; I was in love with someone else. The woman I work with, no less. He walked into the living room, found me on the couch. The look in his eyes almost killed me. He seemed defeated, sad, the life slowly draining from his soul. And I hated that I was the one responsible for it. I looked up at him, and for the longest time he just stared at me, like he didn't know what to do next. But after a moment, he walked off, came back a few seconds later with a suitcase. I closed my eyes; even if I no longer felt anything for him, I knew I couldn't bear to watch him walk away after all the years we spent together. I heard footsteps, felt a faint kiss against my cheek, and heard the door shut behind him. And just like that, he was gone.

And the first thing I could think of doing was call you.

I needed to hear your voice; I needed to take my mind off of everything. I had been in that chapter of my life for so long, and even though I can't wait to start my life with you with nothing holding us back, I'm still a little saddened. It was all I knew, and now it's gone.

You understood everything; you were so soothing. It was like you could wash away every single thing that was troubling me just with your sweet "Hello." I was at peace, feeling like my life wasn't in such a chaotic state.

The next best thing to being with you.

Come over, Gracie. There's no fear anymore, nothing holding us back. We can be who we want to be in a place that's finally safe. I don't have to sneak through your door in the late hours of the night while you're praying that Will doesn't wake up. We don't have to steal small moments in the office before someone walks in. We don't have to pretend anymore. I don't have to be distant; I don't have to speak to you like I speak to everyone else. I can finally be your lover, nothing less.

It's all I've ever wanted to be.

I want you to come over, so I can finally say everything without worrying about it getting back to Stan or anyone else, for that matter. I want to be able to say it.

I love you, Grace.

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_Grace_

I didn't believe you at first. I heard your voice, tried to picture your lips forming the words I've wanted to hear for so long, but I thought that this was all a figment of my imagination. I knew he never wanted to believe what you told him, that there was someone else, and I happened to be her. I knew he thought it was some sort of joke, and he went on like nothing happened, like it was just another ordinary day. That's why I never thought that he would leave, two months after the fact.

That's why I never thought we would be free.

I was waiting, dying for you to ask me over. I just want to see you again. I want to be able to hold you in my arms without worrying if anyone will see. I want us to truly belong to each other. We've got nothing holding us back now, Karen, and instead of being overwhelmed with the desire to take you by the hand and run away from everything, I'm overwhelmed with the desire to just touch you. To know that it's real. We have each other now, we don't have to hide.

I was halfway out the door when you asked me. Even though we had been waiting for this moment for so long, before we were ever able to kiss by candlelight or take each other in our arms, I know how hard it must have been for you to watch Stan walk out the door. He was your life for years, and now he left your world just as quickly as he walked into it. I'm so sorry. I know part of you wishes you could take everything back. But I know how small that part is. It may not seem like it now, but it'll fade with time. I don't have much to offer you, but you have my heart. Know that.

When you open the door, you look different. Fragile, a cracked surface. You're breaking. But I'm here now, Karen. I'll mend, make sure that you don't shatter, fall apart. I can see remains of your tears on your cheek, what they left behind once the river dried. I hate to see you so defeated, to see you so different from the façade you so easily use when you're thrown into Manhattan society. But I know that I would do everything in my power to keep you smiling. All I want to do now is take you in my arms, hold you, protect you from everything you don't want to see.

You and I, we'll be fine. This will pass, and we will only see the rising sun. Until then, find refuge in my arms, my kiss, the way I say your name. You don't need to say anything; the weight of you against my chest will be all I need. I want to believe that the closer I hold you to me, the faster the pain vacates your heart. And I know you want to believe it too.

All we have is now. All we need is each other.

All I've ever wanted is to be the one to make you smile. And to say those three words without fear.

I love you.


End file.
